As we speak I am in the process of 2 things (maybe more but bear with me). I’m buying a car, that came with some pretty good “benefits”, if I must say so myself. Also, better and way more expensive than my new purchase I am breathing air into this old life of mine. Believe it or not these two adventures have found a way to intertwine themselves. As you know the last few years have been less than stellar. For the many pats on the back I’ve received from you guys I think it’s time that I started acknowledging a job well done myself. For the past year and a half been taking much needed time to give my mind, my heart and my soul a much needed rest. In this time I’ve made connections, I’ve lost connections and I’ve done what was right for me no matter what anyone else thought.
Now after a year and a half I’m faced with decisions to make. The decision of my future is difficult but I’m proud to say that although I am not making waves and am however making HUGE baby steps. Returning to school to continue my degree has been quite stressful with tiny moments of enlightenment. I’ve been frustrated beyond belief but I know it’s time I invest in me. I’d decided I would make my education and my career my priorities.
My personal life is a different story. Admittedly, I have become quite jaded when it comes to man/woman issues but I was fine with that. Being jaded really isn’t that bad as some may think. I have recently realized I had become TOO jaded. I can’t see the beginning of it all without wondering how badly the demise of any relationship would be. This, my dear friends, is not good. I thought for a moment that I would adjust my thinking a little bit. I mean come on, it’s been a year and a half since I’ve had loving (you know) and it’s been years since I’ve actually been loved. Well, the way both of those ventures turned out I’m really not very anxious to delve back into that fantasy on top of delusion, on top of denial, on top of painful reality. Told you I was jaded.
Now friends if you look to your left you will see where the purchase of a car enters.
Eleven years ago when I bought my orange/red Pontiac Sunfire it really changed me. She was beautiful. It encouraged me to be independent, adventurous and my own person. She’s older now and through the years she’s been a best friend. She’s a lot worn down, scratched up and bruised but has been there for me when others have failed me miserably. She’s seen me off to work, school and several states traveled. But it was now time that I started a new chapter in my life and it was now time to step it up.
I’m a planner so I did my research and I knew what I wanted and what it would do for me. I contacted a few dealerships and told them what I wanted, what I would accept and my price. I would not be considering another color or another model. I wanted what I wanted and that was final. I went the dealership, did 1 test drive, heard one price and walked out of 1 door when my needs could not be met. I had no problems with leaving because I wasn’t desperate, I merely had a desire. Besides this car wasn’t exactly what I wanted but what I decided I would accept. I was only there so I could be woo’ed and if they said the right things they could win and so would I. When I walked away I was proud of myself because I knew what I wanted and there was no telling me differently. This is how I planned on running my love life.
Needless to say during this transaction as well as another transaction took place; a possible transitioning of my spirit. The opportunity came where I was in a position to crack the door open just a little bit. After much consideration I found myself uttering the words “hey, if you’re interested…..” Well I knew he was interested but I PRAYED he was worth it. I wasn’t sure if I’d really get that call and to be honest it didn’t matter as much as this attempt to move on. Besides, I only gamble when there’s a chance I could win so of course he called; that’s not important. After spending time with this person it was time to inform him of what I was shopping for. No I didn’t dare give him the whole list; just comfortable and easily accessible. Either it would be on the lot or not but I could not drive off in something that would not serve my purposes. My needs today are more mature than my needs from my previous shopping trips. I’m a grown woman, I work like a grown woman and I intend to play like a grown woman. The purchases of a grown woman are bigger than those of the young lady I was 11 years ago when I shopped for something cute and fun.
I was nervous as I sat by waiting for confirmation from another person that I was worth the price. Shopping for cars is easier than shopping for a potential mate; there’s so much on the line. How did it turn out? Well, it’s only been days but the outcome for a duo was seems it will not be but oh what I’ve gained for myself in that short amount of time. Momentarily there were hurt feelings but it’s easier to put a bandage on my wounded ego after a few days than healing my heart after a few months. But how can I be disappointed in myself for realizing, stating and accepting my worth? BIG baby steps…
Sorry, it’s long but you know how I do it. Love y’all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHvOm-o3AA8
Friday, September 11, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Close enough to Cosby for me
I write this very much aware of how not everyone reading this is of the black community. To them I say 3 things; I really don’t mind being called black. Somehow being called African American feel s too much of an effort is being put into it. Also, you may not know of my “radical” views but you do know how I am strong in my convictions and shoot from the hip. And finally, race does matter; we live in a world where black history is not included in regular history but compacted issued one month of the year.
In the 1980’s when The Cosby Show aired it was not easily accepted by members of the black community because the idea of two well off people with well behaved kids didn’t reflect the lives they had ever known. Even I have to admit there were no doctors married to lawyers in my neighborhood. In fact there were very few people who were married at all. There were a lot of moms whose husbands either didn’t exist or spent a lot of time drunk. In my home my dad was a truck driver and known cheater and my mom worked long hours as a nurse to keep from being home all of the time. I’ve never known my parents to love one another and even today I don’t think they like one another. There was no overflow of love, no famous people dropping by and we never spontaneously burst into a dance routine. Hell, I can’t even dance.
It was easier to identify with televisions previous portrayals of black people and the black family. It was easy to identify with Julia because there were few of us who didn’t know a single mom trying to make ends meet. And the housing projects were filled with families just like the one on Good Times. The older I get the more I hate that show. We loved George Jefferson because through hard work he overcame and became a success. It was good to see him move his family to a de-lux apartment in the ski-hi. It felt good to see his wife go from being a maid to sitting around the house talking to the maid all day.
Now, I’m gonna tie this in to the days inauguration. I’m not going to talk politics because there could easily be someone who knows more than I do. But about a year ago, when I began paying attention to the possible outcome of the upcoming election, I noticed there was an alternative to having The Clintons return to the White House to represent the black community. With all of Bill Clinton’s flaws he was adopted by the community as being “one of us”. I honestly didn’t believe a person of color stood a chance at being the most powerful man in the country. Eventually, Barack Obama and his wife caught my eye. I knew he was a good orator but as time went on I realized he was not another Jesse Jackson trying to rhyme his way into the White House. Eventually, I began to listen to what he had to say because I felt sincerity when in his words. When I saw his wife Michelle rolling up her sleeves to support her husband I knew there was something special between these two people.
After a while, after I chose my candidate, I began watching the dynamic of this black man and his black wife. It’s sad to admit but I’ve never witnessed, not even in my own marriage, a married couple look at one another with such admiration, respect and love; they actually looked like friends. Eventually, the world was introduced to little Rudy and Vanessa…I mean Sasha and Malia. As a family they weren’t overly beautiful or even glamorous they looked like people I could possibly know. It felt good to see success in my own image. I was floored when members of the media suggested Barack and Michelle were reflecting terrorist messages when giving one another “pound”. It further solidified in me that there were members of the white world who were al so not accustomed to seeing a black man and woman love one another and show respect. I could easily take this in the direction of how black men should respect their women but I’m feeling more proud today than militant. Plus I would have to comb out my afro wig and that would too much trouble.
It was suggested to me not too long ago that I should get me “some white friends”. And I did. This gave me the opportunity to see how with all of our differences the human heart has a way of evening things out quite a bit. I’ve had the opportunity to see how there are family not of African decent suffer from broken homes and hearts the same as we do. The first time I saw the Obama family together I thought this is a family we as Americans, no matter the race, can be proud of and aspire to emulate. This made me proud because even I didn’t want to be George and Weezie.
I watched the inauguration today, with a small group of co-workers. I wondered if they felt the pride I felt. Not only because a well versed, classy and dignified black man with a white momma and a black wife had just made history but because America got the chance to get a different view of what the black family looked like. Michelle has all of her teeth (and then some), both of her kids had the same daddy and there was a husband who knew how to show love to his wife, his kids and his country. I was overcome by the children; knowing they had no clue of how they were in the midst of a huge history making moment. As a former and future wife I thought of how proud and how worried Michelle had to be for her husband; watching him take an other to be the leader of the free world. I thought about how every little girl is supposed to feel her daddy is the best thing in the whole world and theirs practically is. Even at 10 and 7 years old they have to be proud of their dad; watching so many people love their dad just as they do.
Three years ago Michelle Obama was the wife of a senator, the mother of 2 little girls and a lawyer. By picking, loving and following the right man she is literally the first lady of these United States of America. I never ever thought this could be a reality. I fell in love and married someone who got me to Maryland which is close to the White House but no cigar. And although I’m sure my next husband will be a good man I doubt he will be White House bound; at least I’m not ready to go. It astounds me that I can someday have a daughter who can possibly love, marry, follow and fall in love with a man who can be more than a dry cleaner owing 7 stores (one near you) but someday be President. Hell by the time I have kids and they grow up they themselves; be it daughter or son can be the President and I can be the first momma. It’s a great day when a parent (of which I am not) can look their kid in the eye and honestly encourage them to be anything they want to be. My parents couldn’t see past nursing for me. And I could have been a nurse…..who’s specialty was changing band-aids because that’s all I’m good for. This has been momentous to me. It’s a wonderful thing to finally see the Cosby Experience for myself and my friends can see and know how possible it is to be successful in life, love and family. Today is the day we can begin to feel we live in a nation where anything is possible.
In the 1980’s when The Cosby Show aired it was not easily accepted by members of the black community because the idea of two well off people with well behaved kids didn’t reflect the lives they had ever known. Even I have to admit there were no doctors married to lawyers in my neighborhood. In fact there were very few people who were married at all. There were a lot of moms whose husbands either didn’t exist or spent a lot of time drunk. In my home my dad was a truck driver and known cheater and my mom worked long hours as a nurse to keep from being home all of the time. I’ve never known my parents to love one another and even today I don’t think they like one another. There was no overflow of love, no famous people dropping by and we never spontaneously burst into a dance routine. Hell, I can’t even dance.
It was easier to identify with televisions previous portrayals of black people and the black family. It was easy to identify with Julia because there were few of us who didn’t know a single mom trying to make ends meet. And the housing projects were filled with families just like the one on Good Times. The older I get the more I hate that show. We loved George Jefferson because through hard work he overcame and became a success. It was good to see him move his family to a de-lux apartment in the ski-hi. It felt good to see his wife go from being a maid to sitting around the house talking to the maid all day.
Now, I’m gonna tie this in to the days inauguration. I’m not going to talk politics because there could easily be someone who knows more than I do. But about a year ago, when I began paying attention to the possible outcome of the upcoming election, I noticed there was an alternative to having The Clintons return to the White House to represent the black community. With all of Bill Clinton’s flaws he was adopted by the community as being “one of us”. I honestly didn’t believe a person of color stood a chance at being the most powerful man in the country. Eventually, Barack Obama and his wife caught my eye. I knew he was a good orator but as time went on I realized he was not another Jesse Jackson trying to rhyme his way into the White House. Eventually, I began to listen to what he had to say because I felt sincerity when in his words. When I saw his wife Michelle rolling up her sleeves to support her husband I knew there was something special between these two people.
After a while, after I chose my candidate, I began watching the dynamic of this black man and his black wife. It’s sad to admit but I’ve never witnessed, not even in my own marriage, a married couple look at one another with such admiration, respect and love; they actually looked like friends. Eventually, the world was introduced to little Rudy and Vanessa…I mean Sasha and Malia. As a family they weren’t overly beautiful or even glamorous they looked like people I could possibly know. It felt good to see success in my own image. I was floored when members of the media suggested Barack and Michelle were reflecting terrorist messages when giving one another “pound”. It further solidified in me that there were members of the white world who were al so not accustomed to seeing a black man and woman love one another and show respect. I could easily take this in the direction of how black men should respect their women but I’m feeling more proud today than militant. Plus I would have to comb out my afro wig and that would too much trouble.
It was suggested to me not too long ago that I should get me “some white friends”. And I did. This gave me the opportunity to see how with all of our differences the human heart has a way of evening things out quite a bit. I’ve had the opportunity to see how there are family not of African decent suffer from broken homes and hearts the same as we do. The first time I saw the Obama family together I thought this is a family we as Americans, no matter the race, can be proud of and aspire to emulate. This made me proud because even I didn’t want to be George and Weezie.
I watched the inauguration today, with a small group of co-workers. I wondered if they felt the pride I felt. Not only because a well versed, classy and dignified black man with a white momma and a black wife had just made history but because America got the chance to get a different view of what the black family looked like. Michelle has all of her teeth (and then some), both of her kids had the same daddy and there was a husband who knew how to show love to his wife, his kids and his country. I was overcome by the children; knowing they had no clue of how they were in the midst of a huge history making moment. As a former and future wife I thought of how proud and how worried Michelle had to be for her husband; watching him take an other to be the leader of the free world. I thought about how every little girl is supposed to feel her daddy is the best thing in the whole world and theirs practically is. Even at 10 and 7 years old they have to be proud of their dad; watching so many people love their dad just as they do.
Three years ago Michelle Obama was the wife of a senator, the mother of 2 little girls and a lawyer. By picking, loving and following the right man she is literally the first lady of these United States of America. I never ever thought this could be a reality. I fell in love and married someone who got me to Maryland which is close to the White House but no cigar. And although I’m sure my next husband will be a good man I doubt he will be White House bound; at least I’m not ready to go. It astounds me that I can someday have a daughter who can possibly love, marry, follow and fall in love with a man who can be more than a dry cleaner owing 7 stores (one near you) but someday be President. Hell by the time I have kids and they grow up they themselves; be it daughter or son can be the President and I can be the first momma. It’s a great day when a parent (of which I am not) can look their kid in the eye and honestly encourage them to be anything they want to be. My parents couldn’t see past nursing for me. And I could have been a nurse…..who’s specialty was changing band-aids because that’s all I’m good for. This has been momentous to me. It’s a wonderful thing to finally see the Cosby Experience for myself and my friends can see and know how possible it is to be successful in life, love and family. Today is the day we can begin to feel we live in a nation where anything is possible.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Ok, I know I’m late but hey it’s still the New Year. I’m later for so many reasons one of them being a little bit of the flu I’ve been nursing. Another reason is that I’m finding myself more in-depth with my thoughts and feelings than ever. In the past week every small experience seemed to have great impact. In my writing my goal is to convey to you what I’ve learned, in hopes it would cause you to see something new, something you forgot or even support me in my growing process. I was so encouraged by you all last year after submitting to you my new year’s blog and I hope I can show growth from then to now. So, I’ll attempt to weed through all of the open ended thoughts and feelings I have and give you my version of Ole Lang Syne.
I didn’t know really what I wanted to use this time to express but I knew I didn’t want to do a retrospective of good ole 2008. Oh, I don’t knock 2008; it was actually a pretty good year. For everything I learned last year I should have earned a few college credits. But the thing I love the most about 2008 is that it is over. I’m done sustaining, abstaining, refraining and retraining. In 2009 I hope to stick my head out of the door and see what this butterfly can do. If you know me I’m not gonna run out fast and hurried; I give myself permission to do a test flight or two before I soar.
As I sit here writing I have the song “live your life” by T.I. playing in my head. I’m not a rap fan but I love the message about overcoming, getting over positions you’re put into by others and yourself. It’s about defining life for yourself and following your own path. This was a great song to ride into the New Year on. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yKDbYNpTaYE . As I sit here in my chair I find that I’m trying to remain focused. Last year I lost and won so many things and oddly enough remained undefeated. Although I want to move on there’s so much of it I want to leave behind. This year is the start of a new life for me and I only want to take with me the lessons of the previous year. I’m leaving behind friends but will take with me the lessons of their intentions. I’m leaving behind ill will and taking with me well wishes. I leave behind leftovers and other people’s trash but I’ll use the compost to build a garden of my own. Where as once I lived well to exact the best revenge; it is now my intention to live well because I like taking care of myself. Last year I decided to not settle for less. This year I want it all. I want great friends, great food, great love and great shoes. Lot of pressure, huh? You bet your fat fanny it’s a lot of pressure. I figure it couldn’t be any harder than marriage.
Speaking of marriage; as most of you may know last year marked the end of mine. It’s sad any time something beginning with the intention of forever ends before forever comes. It was a long hard road and it is worth a moment of silence that I’ve already taken for us all. Last year marks the time I gained my freedom as well as a positive outlook. Now I am overwhelmed by the need to have new things in my presence. This year and in the years to follow I am willing to experience new experience and the new people those experiences can place in my path.
I bring into the new year with me a new group of friends, who invite travel into my life and not expand my boundaries but rearrange them ever so slightly so I can be who am but open enough to allow them into my life. I bring with me friends who teach me about life on a day to day basis. You take every punch I pull and although I “know no loyalties” you never take it personally. Old friends, of course, I also take you with me. I will always bring you with me because you are the soul of me and my foundation. You are the family I chose. We all know I’m not very big on family, not my family anyway, but I respect my roots and I wear their love like an old winter coat.
On Christmas Day, I received a very special gift from a very old friend. I wasn’t aware that God allowed these types of gifts but I am eve so grateful. Anyhow, as I think of it I understand that it’s a gift of much needed compassion which made a perfect ending to a year lacking it. It was also a great gift to carry into the New Year as I carry it’s meaning with me to usher me through.
Last but not least I HAVE to give credit where it is due to my counselor. If I wasn’t so broke I would tip. Thank you for helping me find my voice and thinking I’m sane.
I wish you all ENOUGH.
I have a great life sprinkled with moments of disappointment that I will or will not recover from. But they will not define me because I am too complex to be defined. I say to you; live your life …… hurt as few people as possible while loving yourself.
Cheers to the New Year.
I didn’t know really what I wanted to use this time to express but I knew I didn’t want to do a retrospective of good ole 2008. Oh, I don’t knock 2008; it was actually a pretty good year. For everything I learned last year I should have earned a few college credits. But the thing I love the most about 2008 is that it is over. I’m done sustaining, abstaining, refraining and retraining. In 2009 I hope to stick my head out of the door and see what this butterfly can do. If you know me I’m not gonna run out fast and hurried; I give myself permission to do a test flight or two before I soar.
As I sit here writing I have the song “live your life” by T.I. playing in my head. I’m not a rap fan but I love the message about overcoming, getting over positions you’re put into by others and yourself. It’s about defining life for yourself and following your own path. This was a great song to ride into the New Year on. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yKDbYNpTaYE . As I sit here in my chair I find that I’m trying to remain focused. Last year I lost and won so many things and oddly enough remained undefeated. Although I want to move on there’s so much of it I want to leave behind. This year is the start of a new life for me and I only want to take with me the lessons of the previous year. I’m leaving behind friends but will take with me the lessons of their intentions. I’m leaving behind ill will and taking with me well wishes. I leave behind leftovers and other people’s trash but I’ll use the compost to build a garden of my own. Where as once I lived well to exact the best revenge; it is now my intention to live well because I like taking care of myself. Last year I decided to not settle for less. This year I want it all. I want great friends, great food, great love and great shoes. Lot of pressure, huh? You bet your fat fanny it’s a lot of pressure. I figure it couldn’t be any harder than marriage.
Speaking of marriage; as most of you may know last year marked the end of mine. It’s sad any time something beginning with the intention of forever ends before forever comes. It was a long hard road and it is worth a moment of silence that I’ve already taken for us all. Last year marks the time I gained my freedom as well as a positive outlook. Now I am overwhelmed by the need to have new things in my presence. This year and in the years to follow I am willing to experience new experience and the new people those experiences can place in my path.
I bring into the new year with me a new group of friends, who invite travel into my life and not expand my boundaries but rearrange them ever so slightly so I can be who am but open enough to allow them into my life. I bring with me friends who teach me about life on a day to day basis. You take every punch I pull and although I “know no loyalties” you never take it personally. Old friends, of course, I also take you with me. I will always bring you with me because you are the soul of me and my foundation. You are the family I chose. We all know I’m not very big on family, not my family anyway, but I respect my roots and I wear their love like an old winter coat.
On Christmas Day, I received a very special gift from a very old friend. I wasn’t aware that God allowed these types of gifts but I am eve so grateful. Anyhow, as I think of it I understand that it’s a gift of much needed compassion which made a perfect ending to a year lacking it. It was also a great gift to carry into the New Year as I carry it’s meaning with me to usher me through.
Last but not least I HAVE to give credit where it is due to my counselor. If I wasn’t so broke I would tip. Thank you for helping me find my voice and thinking I’m sane.
I wish you all ENOUGH.
I have a great life sprinkled with moments of disappointment that I will or will not recover from. But they will not define me because I am too complex to be defined. I say to you; live your life …… hurt as few people as possible while loving yourself.
Cheers to the New Year.
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