Baby Steps

As we speak I am in the process of 2 things (maybe more but bear with me). I’m buying a car, that came with some pretty good “benefits”, if I must say so myself. Also, better and way more expensive than my new purchase I am breathing air into this old life of mine. Believe it or not these two adventures have found a way to intertwine themselves. As you know the last few years have been less than stellar. For the many pats on the back I’ve received from you guys I think it’s time that I started acknowledging a job well done myself. For the past year and a half been taking much needed time to give my mind, my heart and my soul a much needed rest. In this time I’ve made connections, I’ve lost connections and I’ve done what was right for me no matter what anyone else thought.

Now after a year and a half I’m faced with decisions to make. The decision of my future is difficult but I’m proud to say that although I am not making waves and am however making HUGE baby steps. Returning to school to continue my degree has been quite stressful with tiny moments of enlightenment. I’ve been frustrated beyond belief but I know it’s time I invest in me. I’d decided I would make my education and my career my priorities.
My personal life is a different story. Admittedly, I have become quite jaded when it comes to man/woman issues but I was fine with that. Being jaded really isn’t that bad as some may think. I have recently realized I had become TOO jaded. I can’t see the beginning of it all without wondering how badly the demise of any relationship would be. This, my dear friends, is not good. I thought for a moment that I would adjust my thinking a little bit. I mean come on, it’s been a year and a half since I’ve had loving (you know) and it’s been years since I’ve actually been loved. Well, the way both of those ventures turned out I’m really not very anxious to delve back into that fantasy on top of delusion, on top of denial, on top of painful reality. Told you I was jaded.

Now friends if you look to your left you will see where the purchase of a car enters.
Eleven years ago when I bought my orange/red Pontiac Sunfire it really changed me. She was beautiful. It encouraged me to be independent, adventurous and my own person. She’s older now and through the years she’s been a best friend. She’s a lot worn down, scratched up and bruised but has been there for me when others have failed me miserably. She’s seen me off to work, school and several states traveled. But it was now time that I started a new chapter in my life and it was now time to step it up.

I’m a planner so I did my research and I knew what I wanted and what it would do for me. I contacted a few dealerships and told them what I wanted, what I would accept and my price. I would not be considering another color or another model. I wanted what I wanted and that was final. I went the dealership, did 1 test drive, heard one price and walked out of 1 door when my needs could not be met. I had no problems with leaving because I wasn’t desperate, I merely had a desire. Besides this car wasn’t exactly what I wanted but what I decided I would accept. I was only there so I could be woo’ed and if they said the right things they could win and so would I. When I walked away I was proud of myself because I knew what I wanted and there was no telling me differently. This is how I planned on running my love life.

Needless to say during this transaction as well as another transaction took place; a possible transitioning of my spirit. The opportunity came where I was in a position to crack the door open just a little bit. After much consideration I found myself uttering the words “hey, if you’re interested…..” Well I knew he was interested but I PRAYED he was worth it. I wasn’t sure if I’d really get that call and to be honest it didn’t matter as much as this attempt to move on. Besides, I only gamble when there’s a chance I could win so of course he called; that’s not important. After spending time with this person it was time to inform him of what I was shopping for. No I didn’t dare give him the whole list; just comfortable and easily accessible. Either it would be on the lot or not but I could not drive off in something that would not serve my purposes. My needs today are more mature than my needs from my previous shopping trips. I’m a grown woman, I work like a grown woman and I intend to play like a grown woman. The purchases of a grown woman are bigger than those of the young lady I was 11 years ago when I shopped for something cute and fun.

I was nervous as I sat by waiting for confirmation from another person that I was worth the price. Shopping for cars is easier than shopping for a potential mate; there’s so much on the line. How did it turn out? Well, it’s only been days but the outcome for a duo was seems it will not be but oh what I’ve gained for myself in that short amount of time. Momentarily there were hurt feelings but it’s easier to put a bandage on my wounded ego after a few days than healing my heart after a few months. But how can I be disappointed in myself for realizing, stating and accepting my worth? BIG baby steps…
Sorry, it’s long but you know how I do it. Love y’all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHvOm-o3AA8